As I read blogs from HS Graduates and look back at my life, I see gratitude. A whole lot of it. I see... kids who say... thanks mom & dad for everything. Thanks for putting up with me. Please let me go and don't be sad that I'm going away to college. I apprecate all that you've done for me. Yadda! Yadda! Yadda!
In an intimate conversation with my eldest, who graduated, she asked her step-father and I to quit comparing her to her friends that are going off into the world or have common sense to push forward with their lives into the next step - COLLEGE. This child is not a multi-tasker. She cannot juggle things in her life. She cannot cope. I gave her the world. And she keeps trying to take and take and keep on taking.
Mind you... my eldest daughter is a stellar scholar. She's just lacking in common sense. The street smarts to stay alive. For example, I threw her a graduation party. It was overheard by her God Parents that she was actually contemplating leaving her party to hang out with her class mates at a nearby park. Leave a house full of people - mainly family and family friends, to hang out with friends, at a park. Second example, all throughout her party as she recieved gifts from well wishers, she dropped hints that she is looking for a computer laptop or that she ought to have one. Third example, she tells her friends that she is so appreciative about her party; but, she can't show that she is thankful. Well, why not? Why the hell not? I am on my hands and knees before and after her party cleaning and prepping. Her step-father and I are cleaning and prepping afterwards. She does not get out of her room either way. I was up at the crack of dawn cleaning and scrubbing. She's known about this party. She has sent out invitations in which I reminded her about or to do. There was no initial foresight for her to do this party. So, I took it upon myself and scheduled and planned. She didn't clean the bathroom until I reminded her. I had to do day of grocery shopping and still came home to prep. I never sat down for 18 hours helping out and prepare. I got no thank you until after the fact. After the fact that her step-father said something to her about, Your welcome for the day. The appreciation POP lost it's fizz.
Adrianne doesn't plan. If she does, everything is last minute. She looks for democracy. She tries to get everyone to agree. She likes to please. So, when she does plan, everything is last minute or down to the wire. When I planned her grad party, months in advanced because I saw that this needed to be done. Three weeks prior to the party, she asks if we can reschedule the party because 1 (one) of her friends might not be able to make it. Mind you... she asked if I had told anyone about the party. To me, anyone is not family. I've mentioned to key family members the date. I was done... I had to stay firm on the date because we have scheduled other events around this GRAD party. This lack of foresight comes from her lack of confidence in herself. Lack of involvement with others socially. Ack!
She is not ready for anything. She came back to living with me after being with her father for 5 years. These were the formative years of her life. She's reclusive. She internalizes her feelings. She never comes out of her room because she is busy with her homework then myspacing or on the phone for hours on end with her boyfriend who is in Arizona. She knows everything about him and she wants to be with him. But, she knows nothing about herself and she is scared. Being scared, it's understandable. It's a big world out there and she hid from it by being in her books and on the phone. But, this is what I get?
For Adrianne to be a great scholar, she has no concept of what a college unit is. She had no idea of how to fill out a job application. I encouraged her to fill out college applications of which she really didn't care to do. These things... she should be asking her friends to help her with all along. She's behind. These things don't matter.
Before her school year started back here in Elk Grove, I asked her to get a job. Sure... no prob.. I will were my answers. Help out... be responsible... value the dollar. Nope! Every summer... she would be home glued to her myspace and when I asked her to see her friends... she would wait until the very last minute because plans were all ready made with her friends with their work or summer school. My daughter would just chill with AP summer work and badger about when do WE (as our family) go on vacation. She had no goals, to aspirations, nothing. Didn't care to visit extended family... her dad's side or what not... just lay there and veg. Rendered useless. Dead weight. I can't even trust her to watch or look out for her sisters because she was constantly on the phone.
I have always wanted her to take summer classes... practice on driving. She had no aspirations to do so and would never ask. Why when she was with her father did she never ask? She seems so contemplative. She seems so complacent. Ask her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she would say... I don't know. Looking back, she really meant it.
I should be thankful that she even washes dishes. This is a major chore of mine that she took over that was my usual job in the house. I wish, I could say she had a job to go to to make it tiring to wash dishes. But, she doesn't. Her tiring job is fighting with her boyfriend long distance in AZ on the phone.
We've enabled her to have this relationship because she had nothing else in her life. When she went to live with her dad, she showed no interest in any outside activities unless they were in school. She didn't care to get involved or hang out with friends. Her phone was her lifeline. In the past, it was her lifeline to me. No prob. I got busy and started living again after she was gone from me for three years. It took me that long to move on with my life. I went through the motions.
I see that her boyfriend is the biggest thing in her life. I understand. It's why I pushed her to develop herself. Do things for herself? I've made no secret of what I've wanted for Adrianne my daughter. In fact, I was chastized for it from my ex-husband. I want her to go to a four year university. I want her to be a productive civil servant to society. I want her to eventually get married and have kids. Somewhere, in there, I want her to find her way to a job and learn how to drive.
How can I not compare? I would send this girl to any four year university/college of her desire. I would do anything for this child except continue to enable her in her ways. When I think of my daughter, I get disillusioned. My faith in the world is bleak. I have to compare that all that I have felt is not in vain. Her step-dad and I have had grand visions and hopes for her. Yet, she can't figure out how to register for school. She can't figure out where to go on campus or not. I can not let her stay in my house any longer because she is not driven. Her attempts to look for a job NOW... after graduation, is null to void. It's too late. Her registering for summer school was or is not a thought. It's all because it would interfere with her phone time and vacation time to schedule with her boyfriend. He is not the blame. He is but an obstacle.
Finding herself, it is the problem. She has hidden in her boyfriend. She has her core of girlfriends. But, they are all going off and making something of themselves. I dont' care if they are going to a JC or not. She's just not driven. This is my sadness. I feel fooled. I can sort of see where her step-mother and father can say she was ungrateful. She won't follow up with them for HER stuff.
This is my stress! God help me!
Adrianne will be starting college soon. The girls are in year round. They're all growing up so fast. So, they shold be back in school middle of this month. I'm posting this picture because it's the cutest and most recent of my top 4 favorite people. Plus, it was a time when we were all together and we really had some fun. It was the first time in a long time where I saw my eldest daughter just so really relaxed and happy (Well, besides the times she sees her boyfriend.) It's been different for us having a teen around... she's been through a lot this past year and is dealing pretty well with a lot of emotional bs. I had the pretty standard crap about school and activities. But, she had gone through a lot growing up and most recently. Life is hard enough all ready. It's the emotional stuff that she received from her dad coming back to live here. Adrianne had spent every year of her high school life in a different school. NO, her dad is not in the military anymore. Her junior year... they moved in the 3rd quarter of her junior year...from AZ to NC only three months to finish out the year. They move... So, one of her classes suffered. She's an A to B AP/Honors student who received a D in calculus because the curriculum covered in AZ didn't cover the stuff yet as was covered in NC. So, Adrianne buckled down and still managed to pull a D despite. From an A to a D, and my ex was not going to do anything untill the following school year. Well, as soon as I heard about the grade, I called the school early in summer. Thank goodness because that Calculus teacher was retiring. That was his last year and he would have been hard to track. Yes, I had fixed it all with her teachers. But, that was the last straw for her to want to come home. She was hit hard this year... her dad blamed her for any problems in his marriage. He blamed her that she couldn't do things with out him. He never called or wrote her back unless it was in his usual criticism. 
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